Have you ever felt so lost in love that life couldn't move on for you?
Well, that's me.
Months back, I witness a marriage of 27yrs failed terribly and I question myself,
will I fall into the same trap as I carry both of their DNA?
I know both of them have their mistakes and I could point out to every single mistakes both party did.
The main question is, will I be the same?
At the same time of their marriage failure, I got engaged.
To whom I thought was the love of my life.
He wasn't what everything I wanted but he gets me back on track.
I know most of the time, I felt miserable by his dos and don'ts
but at the same time I listen to it to know that I will become a better person,
after all that is what partners are for right?
Looking at my parents, I knew they suffer somehow for years being with together,
I start questioning myself will I ever feel that way if I continue to be engaged.
As usual being the over thinker person, I over think and start doubting my own relationship.
Everything went spiral down as well. My expectations went higher.
All I wanted was the perfect relationship, the one that I want to be happy in.
And I'm being the coward one, I walked out.
Having the question in my head of do I had enough of it or am I giving up on it?
The truth is, I had enough, I had enough of the constant changes for him.
I had enough of chasing in circles, I had enough of pleasing him, feeding him the attention, feeding him that he has the final say to everything.
So I left and at that point of time, a whole sense of relief was there but at the same time it felt like the whole world is crumbling down as I move. All I wanted was to stay home and cover myself with a blanket and reflect.
All the way until I found someone new within months, I thought I could breath again.
He was someone whom I may call the right person to move on with.
We shared the same interest but at times it seems like we are worlds apart.
He let me be myself and I could say at the point of time is he really accept me for who I am.
And months pass by so expectations were higher.
Sitting back now it make me see and realize things.
Feelings develop more therefore there are some certain barrier that we can't cross.
The rules are put there unlike like the beginning. It was way different now to from where we started.
and then we had too much arguments to test the limits.
Too see what is comfortable for the other person.
Disappointment were there.
But by the end of day, if the person still stick with you then it is meant to be.
When the person gave up on you after looking and testing your limit, he wasn't meant to be.
And now that is how I feel.
Things get too rocky and I am feeling lost again.
I was torn apart to choose to settle down again or to have my own freedom which I was longing for from the past relationship.
Will I ever get best of both worlds?
I know there are certain things that I can't do and I know I am able to do that for him.
To compare from the past relationship, it wasn't as bad as that.
I was too scare to commit in another relationship after my previous fail engagement and my parents divorce.
I thought I want to take my own time to heal but I wasn't expecting to fall in love again.
And now I feel more pressure to commit to not disappoint him but having that feelings make me want to run away more.
I am still unsure to why am I feeling this way and how do I overcome this feelings.
I do love him, I really do.
and now I am losing him again but I guess time will heal.
I really need to work on myself again.
I am beginning to believe that I am at fault and I wasn't right.








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